Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Sorting Through the Lies

Well, it would seem that those with bad memories should never lie. It catches up to them even years later and they look at you like they have no idea what you're talking about. It's funny how even the most innocent remark can make you take notice of something that you haven't thought of in years. Who knew that after almost six years together nearly five of those married and a four year old it would all begin to come out?

There is supposed to be trust in a marriage, even the smallest of lies can ruin that trust. It doesn't have to be about anything major, lying about little things that don't matter can wear away at the trust until there is nothing left of feelings that you once swore would last forever. It's not that you never took your vows seriously even if you had doubts right up until they declared you husband and wife, it's that you never worked through those doubts and time after time you've been given more reason to doubt.

The third one should be easy to file but somehow it's not no matter how much I want to be out of this marriage. I'm not in love with him, not sure I ever was more like infatuated with those blue eyes that my baby girl now has. I still remember calling off the wedding and cancelling the cake only to have pleading and a look of sadness convince me to change my mind. I do believe that was the worse mistake I ever made. We were married in September and our child was due in December. There will be no more weddings where I am an expectant mother.

I no longer have feels of any kind, not even like more of an acquaintance you would nod to on the street. I have kept my vows and been the faithful wife and hopefully I will have the divorce signed and finalized in time to continue keeping them so that I can still say I have done nothing wrong. The only thing I did was get out of a situation that has caused me misery.

In time the wounds will heal and I will have rebuilt once again from the ground up. Well, it's time to move on with my life so I really need to get back to work. Got a divorce to pay for, bills to pay and a child to fix lunch for so she can eat between the time I pick her up from school and her first appointment this afternoon.

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