Thursday, September 29, 2011

Never Ends Does It?

It doesn't matter how well your day is going when you are the parent of an Autistic child there is always something to deal with. When you are the broke parent of an Autistic child the stress begins to pile so high you can't begin to see the end of the tunnel. There is always something in the back of your mind giving you the nagging feeling that you are forgetting something. I have found that forgetting is not that hard to do when you have almost a dozen different things to give your child each and every day. Then there are therapy appointments and doctor's visits just to have lab work done because your child is on so many supplements. It's expensive.

I read somewhere that it costs approximately $50,000 a year to raise an Autistic child. I'm still wondering where that's coming from. I don't think we can cut anymore corners but somehow it's always all right in the end.  I have to gather up all of the little ones supplements so I can write down the names and doses for our next doctor's visit. I am so confused right now I can't even find the child's clothes without going on a treasure hunt in the mornings. I am so far behind and I'm so tired right now that I have no idea what to do.

I used to have a schedule that was second nature and now it's kind of flown out the window. Oh well, today I will type up pages from old diaries to destroy the paper copies and still have record of things that I need to go read to see just how far I've come these last few years. I'm going to get back to work on that now since I latest project is stalled.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Cleaning Up a Big Mess

I am in the process of attempting to get my third divorce without losing custody of my youngest daughter. It would seem that my finances are not the only challenge that I would face. Friends don't stab you in the back and they listen instead of talking over you. Turns out I was right I have very few true friends and I aim to keep those few closer than ever in the coming months. I also intend to casually get rid of the ones that do not listen and cause me more trouble than they are worth.

Years ago I got rid of everyone and everything that caused me to have unnecessary stress. A few months ago I accidentally let one of those people back in my life. You know the kind that is always talking so they hear half of something and can't comprehend that it's not their business to share. The ones that jump to conclusions and require having their jaw wired shut to prevent them from talking. I hate people like that always have but since I was like twelve when mother moved me to this annoying place I have been surrounded by them.

I have to figure out how to pay my bills, dissolve a five year marriage before it hits six and falls apart even further. I have no idea why I stayed in this marriage for so long. I do know that I have to get a divorce and get that non-friend back out of my life before they take me along on their path to self destruction. I can not believe my own stupidity in the matter as if I hadn't had enough problems through the years. I am already tired of just nodding in agreement as they made inaccurate assumptions in an effort to get them to shut up.

At the moment I would be bouncing back and forth between my own writing and writing for private clients in an effort to make ends meet. It would seem that everyone is once again missing the point of self employment and the fact that the more I am out of the house the less I would make. I prefer to get all my work done before I leave the house but they do not understand this.

Well, I see this turning into one long off subject rant so I will be going back to work now. Got a short news article to finish and try to do more of before I can begin my project work for the day.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Sorting Through the Lies

Well, it would seem that those with bad memories should never lie. It catches up to them even years later and they look at you like they have no idea what you're talking about. It's funny how even the most innocent remark can make you take notice of something that you haven't thought of in years. Who knew that after almost six years together nearly five of those married and a four year old it would all begin to come out?

There is supposed to be trust in a marriage, even the smallest of lies can ruin that trust. It doesn't have to be about anything major, lying about little things that don't matter can wear away at the trust until there is nothing left of feelings that you once swore would last forever. It's not that you never took your vows seriously even if you had doubts right up until they declared you husband and wife, it's that you never worked through those doubts and time after time you've been given more reason to doubt.

The third one should be easy to file but somehow it's not no matter how much I want to be out of this marriage. I'm not in love with him, not sure I ever was more like infatuated with those blue eyes that my baby girl now has. I still remember calling off the wedding and cancelling the cake only to have pleading and a look of sadness convince me to change my mind. I do believe that was the worse mistake I ever made. We were married in September and our child was due in December. There will be no more weddings where I am an expectant mother.

I no longer have feels of any kind, not even like more of an acquaintance you would nod to on the street. I have kept my vows and been the faithful wife and hopefully I will have the divorce signed and finalized in time to continue keeping them so that I can still say I have done nothing wrong. The only thing I did was get out of a situation that has caused me misery.

In time the wounds will heal and I will have rebuilt once again from the ground up. Well, it's time to move on with my life so I really need to get back to work. Got a divorce to pay for, bills to pay and a child to fix lunch for so she can eat between the time I pick her up from school and her first appointment this afternoon.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Can Anything Else Go Wrong

I recently realized that Marriages was plural which is rather fitting actually. I'm in the third one and we have recently agreed to get a divorce. No arguments really this time just a dull ache because there is no feeling left. I woke up the morning after the decision so happy I annoyed myself. Relief is what that was and now the harsh realities of it all are setting in. At least I have a job to keep me occupied as I go down the road of once again rebuilding from the crumbled pieces that I call my life.

The realization that I have to type faster than I've ever typed before to get out of the financial mess has inspired me though. I can do this without suffering from starvation or having to walk into town in this heat because of a financial boo-boo. It's not the first time I've been hit with unexpected expenses, divorces and other set backs so I know that I will be ok.

There are those days though when I really wonder if I will ever find the end to these tests of my strength.